Fallout Equestria: Operation Flankorage

[Kashin]

I know I said I wouldn't post Flankorage before the main story concluded, but I'm no Applejack and I got impatient.
Feedback would be highly appreciated. This is my first story and the more feedback I get the better I can be in the future.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14

OF Tumbler

Official Apology/Preview for 9's Delay

[AMARDA]

here

Code: Select all

[url=https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BeL-6SzWEySbNBFtO3V_nNv3RdRPC3TBbQDvlANBzY0/edit]here[/url]

Copy that code and you have what you want.

[Damhoof]

HEHE security reference.


Great chapter though.

[otherunicorn]

A few times you have sentence structure problems. For example, here you have bullets bouncing around in a skull, then collapsing on the floor. I think you want the pony to collapse, don't you XD.
You:
"I pumped three rounds into the base of his skull, making him spasm as the low caliber rounds bounced around in his skull before collapsing in a twisted, metal heap."
Better:
"I pumped three rounds into the base of his skull, making him spasm as the low caliber rounds bounced around in his skull. He instantly collapsed in a twisted, metal heap."
or:
"I pumped three rounds into the base of his skull, making him spasm as the low caliber rounds bounced around in his skull, causing him to collapse in a twisted, metal heap."

Another bad one:
"Their leader was arguing with a black and blond, unicorn mare with an eye on her flank through a shattered window."

[Nightmare Luna]

Not a bad start at all. But like otherunicorn said the sentence structure is a bit off in place's. The example's given by otherunicorn as the one's I noticed.

But I look forward to reading more!

[Kashin]

Wow. I had three proofreaders and none of us noticed those. Thanks, fixing.

[Pinkie Pie!]

good story, looking forward to more!

[Artemiev]

Well, that was certainly entertaining. Though I think the invading raiders died a little too easy =P.

[The Jack]

Lodidodidoo.... *adds another story to the to read list*
I'm going to have a shitload to do once I finish the set of mandatory maths problem today.

[Kashin]

I'm going to have a shitload to do once I finish the set of mandatory maths problem today.

I'm sorry, but I must.
Don't you use your fancy mathematics to muddy the issue.